u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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