tonight lets celebrate not being married
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
