I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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