im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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