we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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