I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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