I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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