Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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