he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
