Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
