happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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