More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just threw up on my dentist
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
