How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Randomize
