Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
