True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
