I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
