I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
