gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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