If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
