I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
