I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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