I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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