I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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