Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
