They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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