There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
