I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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