be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
