That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
