It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Holy shit dude........stairs
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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