All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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