Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
