My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
