I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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