Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
