you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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