watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
