I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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