I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
a search helicopter?!
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
