Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
