can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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