Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
