He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
