Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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