just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
