I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
