You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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