she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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