We're like a lot better than the average bears
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
