after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I could make wine with my vomit
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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