the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
