The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
