my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
