Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
