"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
