Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
