when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
