Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
i've created a new STD.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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