I must be too annoying 4 u.
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
