You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
